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Ten Songs that Should've Been Encrypted...

and had the key revoked

The Austin City Limits Music Festival kicks off this afternoon, featuring great bands like The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Neil Young, The Roots and Black Keys. Our offices are only a few blocks north of the festival, so I'm heading down to the park as soon as I wrap up for the day.

While most of the bands playing in Austin this weekend are at the top of their respective games, there are plenty of artists that have released some songs that I'm sure they'd like to take back. In fact, I bet if they could delete these songs from their collective memories, and ours, they'd do it in a second.

Now, we all know there’s no easy way to be 100% certain a file is deleted, especially in the cloud. Rather than gnashing your teeth wondering whether your hard drives and cloud images have been fully wiped, I’d like to suggest an alternative: encrypt the drive and then destroy the key. This will ensure your data is as useless as a Lance Bass solo album.

So getting back to my original point, in honor of ACL Fest, here are my Top Ten Songs that Should be Encrypted and Have the Key Tossed into a Fiery Volcano.

“Whatzupwitu” - Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson The worst song and video of the 90s was made by two artists at the pinnacle of their careers. Neither recovered from this, with Murphy going on to make Beverly Hills Cop 3 and Michael Jackson being accused of… well, you know the story.

 

“We Built This City” - Starship This song is often referred to as the worst thing to happen to the world since Smallpox.

 

Anything ever done by Creed Yes, they’re an easy target, but no list of music that should’ve been encrypted is complete without these alt-Christian rock balladeers.

 

“I Will Do Anything for Love” – Meatloaf Then for the love of anyone who still has working eardrums, don’t ever do another duet with Celine Dion.

 

I Got My Mind Set On You” – George Harrison So terrible, but it may not even be the worst song by a former Beatle. What puts this song over the top though is the video, which is easily the most accurate depiction ever of what it’s like to play a live concert inside of an arcade-style claw machine.

 

“Hello” – Lionel Richie Hello officer. I’m being stalked by one of the Commodores. I left you a life-size bust of his head, so you can find him and lock him away for good.

 

“Star Spangled Banner” – Carl Lewis The deadly intersection of patriotism and a complete lack of vocal talent. Charlie Steiner makes this clip an all time favorite.

 

“All For Love” – Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting What happens when you get one Canadian and two Brits together to sing the theme song for a movie about a candy bar?

 

"Achy Breaky Heart” – Billy Ray Cyrus Don’t worry, Billy, your daughter is nipping at your heels. By the time ACL rolls around next year, I’m betting two of her songs make this list.

 

“Friends Forever” – Zack AttackIt pains me to add this song to the list, because Zack Attack is easily one of the most influential bands of the last 30 years. But even Casey Kasem looks embarrassed to be associated with this tire fire.



Now it’s your turn, what did I miss? What other songs would you like to see tossed on the scrap heap via encryption and key explosion?

More Stories By David Tishgart

David Tishgart is a Director of Product Marketing at Cloudera, focused on the company's cloud products, strategy, and partnerships. Prior to joining Cloudera, he ran business development and marketing at Gazzang, an enterprise security software company that was eventually acquired by Cloudera. He brings nearly two decades of experience in enterprise software, hardware, and services marketing to Cloudera. He holds a bachelor's degree in journalism from the University of Texas at Austin.

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